Last weekend I was coaching on a Communication and Listening course hosted by the phenomenal Landmark Worldwide organization.

I have taken part in and coached on their programs for the past twenty years.

To say that they are instrumental in who I am today and what I have been able to achieve is an understatement.

I liken personal development to a car.

You have this pristine and incredible vehicle that you use continually.

It takes you from place to place. You use it daily. It gets you from A to B fairly quickly.

But how often are you servicing that car?

Your mind is like the engine. Just like the car it needs to be serviced regularly.

Not just once every one or two years but consistently until we change the car.

How often are you servicing your mind, your engine?

Are you driving a beat-up car or are you driving a Ferrari…

They do say, look at somebodies life and relationships and that is a reflection of what is going on in the inside of that person.

This weekend, I not only wanted to listen and take in the content like a participant but I knew also that if I coached people on the distinctions shared, I would take it in, on a whole other level.

Which I did. I got myself on a whole other level as I was in service to ensuring my Coachees got to see how incredible they are despite their own internal dialogue.

  And to have them be in action.

  • Despite their fears and concerns.
  • Despite the past.
  • Despite what they said to themselves.

THEY ARE GIANTS.  Just as you are.

This weekend Landmark’s course shared their version of “I am not … and life is ….”

For me that equated to “I am not wanted, and life is unfair.”

As I looked at my past, that narrative has perpetuated throughout my life.

When my mum left us as children with my father for three months… because she needed to get away for her own sanity – what was there for me was “I am not wanted, and life is unfair.”

When I was at school and a group of girls ousted me from the peer group, this only fueled,
 “I am not wanted, and life is unfair.”

When I was in a seven-year relationship and our communication broke down – what surfaced 

“I am not wanted, and life is unfair.”

With my friends when I see that they get together and for some unknown reason, I was not aware of it… what popped into my head was, “I am not wanted, and life is unfair.”

Even walking down the street, seeing a man I am attracted to… what appeared in my head, another version of this just wearing different clothes…

“He wouldn’t want me, and life is unfair.”

I can now see the IMPACT that has had on my life.

  • My relationships
  • My social circles – which has me not step into them at times
  • My career

So what is your point of view? 

It usually surfaces as a child around aged 3, 4, or 5.

Something happened and you made a decision about yourself and life.

AND there will be evidence of it permeating throughout your life.

   Versions of it may be…

  • I am not good enough
  • I am alone
  • I am not wanted
  • I am not getting this
  • I am confused

  • I am not … and life is …

You fill in the blanks.

Get the impact of being that way in your life.. then what?

Well, you can follow my framework to work through this when it shows up because it will.

It is a pattern, a neuro pathway that has had so much repetition, it most probably won’t go away but you can CHOOSE to either placate it and give it fuel or do something else.

So here is my formula.

You will need to be N.I.C.A. to yourself.

Firstly you have to NOTICE this narrative… that is the key to most things being “Self-aware, so you can Self-correct” as I say.

Secondly, you have to INTERRUPT it… you can’t allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole and feed that monster. 

You will have to be RESPONSIBLE for not entertaining thoughts that do not serve you…

The second step is in my opinion is the hardest because you may want to:

  • Give justifications
  • Give reasons
  • Give excuses
  • Defend it

“Don’t Let Your Reasons and Excuses Steal Your Dreams.”

You will have to find your own way of interrupting that narrative.

It may be:

  • Call a friend to talk things through
  • Go to the gym
  • Walk in the park
  • Listen to music
  • Do meditation
  • Or just have a good old talking to yourself

This will allow you to breathe… and create some space in your head.

Then Thirdly CREATE something new for yourself in your narrative.

I created “I am Wanted and Life is Amazing.”

That narrative has me wanting to be with people and not be separated.

Has me know that I have so much to bring to a loving relationship that a partner will want to reciprocate.

It will have me create my world where I am included because I CHOOSE to be wanted.

Creating a narrative that serves you will have you take new ACTIONS.

It will have you jump into new situations with a CLEAN SLATE…

So that you can create anything you want for yourself and your life.

  Remember the steps are:


Mine and your narratives about ourselves will most probably never disappear.

But it is our job to interrupt them, be responsible for what we harbor in our minds, and create something new for ourselves in language e.g. “I am wanted” and fuel that until it becomes just as strong as the one that has been running your life for years.

As with most things you will need to PRACTICE it… Repetition, Repetition, Repetition.

Just like an athlete, dancer, or musician – what has them become masters of their art form is the Repetition of the correct form, steps, or chords…

In your case repetition of words that will fuel you.

In the words of one of my favorite quotes by Terry Prince.

“Your life is your garden
Your thoughts are your seeds
If your life isn’t awesome
It is because you are watering the weeds”

Use the N.I.C.A. Approach when you are feeling stressed, worried or anxious.  Take a deep breath and apply this to reset yourself so that you can achieve all that you deserve.

Let’s #Share #Learn #Grow